Resp Rate Zero

Resp Rate Zero Paramedic Humour, sustained by coffee. No sleep schedule & probably overdue for a meal break

22/10/2026

Nothing brings out the medical experts quite like a cardiac arrest in a takeaway shop. 💀

One's screaming CPR instructions. Another's diagnosing a stroke. Someone's cousin did a first aid course in 2007, and apparently he's running the resus now.

Meanwhile, the bloke behind the counter is asking if we can move the patient because we're blocking the Uber Eats orders. 🍔🚑

One patient. Two paramedics. Fifteen consultants. Not a single medical qualification between them.

Sir, unless your medical degree came with those chicken nuggets, PLEASE step away from the defib. 💀😂

21/10/2026

Leg snapped. Bone possibly negotiating an exit. Pain 10/10.

Patient's biggest concern?
“Yeah, but can I still ride my bike home?” 🚴‍♂️💀

Sir, your tibia has resigned. Your fibula is on stress leave. And you're worried about the bloody bicycle.

Then comes the green whistle… 🟢

Five minutes ago he was screaming like we were amputating him with a butter knife. Now he's laughing, crying, confessing childhood trauma and telling us we're his best friends.

One minute it's orthopaedic trauma. The next it's a chemically assisted therapy session with a bloke whose leg is pointing towards yesterday.

The fracture was unstable. So was the emotional journey. 💀😂

20/10/2026

Every drunk patient has consumed exactly TWO beers. 🍺🍺

Sir, you've pi**ed yourself, lost three hours of your life, and we're currently trying to determine whether your GCS is alcohol-related or you've actually got a brain bleed.

But sure. Two beers.

One for breakfast, one continuously since 1997. 💀

At this point, your liver isn't an organ. It's a crime scene.

19/10/2026

Beautiful wedding reception.

Ch*****ne flowing.
Everyone dancing.
Love is in the air.

And apparently… so is a coronary artery occlusion.

One minute they're doing the Macarena.

Next minute we're doing a 12-lead.

STEMI.

Fantastic.

The bride's crying.
The groom's panicking.
Uncle Gary's getting aspirin instead of wedding cake.

And we're trying to manoeuvre a stretcher between 120 drunk guests and a fu***ng chocolate fountain.

Something old. Something new. Something borrowed. Something blue.

Something blocked in coronary artery number two. 💀

Congratulations to the happy couple!

Your wedding now comes with a complimentary cardiac emergency and lifelong trauma.

18/10/2026

Tradies are a different breed. 💀
Mate's just fired a nail into his own hand, and his biggest concern isn't the injury… it's whether he'll make it back to the job site before smoko. 🔨
"Just give me a tetanus shot and I'll be right."
Sir, you've literally nailed yourself to the job. That's not dedication. That's a workplace incident with a mortgage. 😂💀

17/10/2026

Monitor starts screaming.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Numbers disappearing. Alarms going feral.

You look at the patient.

They're smiling. Chatting. Asking what's for dinner.

You look back at the monitor.

According to this $40,000 piece of equipment, they're already halfway to the morgue.

Adrenaline activated.
Differentials running.
Funeral arrangements mentally pending.

Then your partner reaches over…

Clicks one loose cable back in.

Silence.

Perfect readings.

Patient: "Was something wrong?"

"Nope. Just briefly diagnosed you with a technical difficulty."

Turns out the only thing having a cardiac arrest was the fu***ng Bluetooth connection.

Patient survived. Monitor survived. Paramedic's lifespan reduced by six years. 💀

16/10/2026

Patient: “Can we stop at Macca's?”

Mate. You're in an ambulance.

“Yeah, but I'm fu***ng starving.”

Sir, you've vomited three times, lost a shoe and can't remember your own postcode.

We're going to hospital, not the drive-thru.

Patient: “Can I at least get a large fries?”

Absolutely. Would you like a cardiac monitor with that?

One-star Uber review incoming:

Driver was rude.
Refused drive-thru.
Strapped me to a bed.
Dropped me at hospital.

Worst fu***ng Uber ever. 💀

15/10/2026

We don't rate hospitals by patient care anymore. We rate them by how well they feed us while we're ramped for 5 hours. 💀
⭐ 5 stars: Hot chips, decent coffee and a cafeteria open past midnight.
💀 0 stars: Six hours ramped, vending machine broken, and a sandwich older than the patient.
If you're going to hold us hostage on the ramp, at least offer an all-inclusive package. ☕🚑

14/10/2026

You're home. Finally. In the shower.
BEEP.
Selcall?
Nothing.
BEEP BEEP.
Pager?
Still nothing.
Then the cardiac monitor joins the fu***ng concert.
You're standing naked, shampoo in your eyes, mentally responding to a job that doesn't exist.
The shift ended six hours ago. Apparently nobody told your nervous system.
No radio. No pager. No monitor.
Just a complimentary auditory hallucination package with every 15 years of service.
Even the fu***ng shower has a dispatch centre now. 💀

13/10/2026

Third week in a row.
Same address. Same patient. Same complaint.
At this point, we're practically family.
But this week?
IT'S A BIRTHDAY PARTY. 🎉
And there's cake.
Finally. A frequent flyer program with actual rewards.
Patient still unwell.
Healthcare system still broken.
Paramedics now emotionally invested in the buttercream.
Three weeks of repeat call-outs and all it took was a slice of cake to improve staff morale.
Same time next week? 😂

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Darwin, NT

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