28/01/2025
Sharing as is
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𝗖𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲𝗿 𝗗𝗶𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀
Awaiting my turn for radiation, my eyes met those of a fellow cancer warrior of same age, his name was Bala Senthil, he opened up in just a few minutes of exchange of words.
He seemed quite a happy go lucky person by demeanour
We started interrogating about each other’s personal lives’. He asked, “Do you have a partner?”.
“No”, I said. “What about you?”
“No”, he sighed.
I saw his carefree attitude suddenly vanishing on a paid vacation.
“What happened?” I asked.
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“Brother, human life is temporary in every aspect, everyone has to die but we all are living our lives’ making decisions as if we have thousands of years ahead of us or that we are all immortal and are making preparations accordingly. Each day we all are hustling, accumulating material things, running around as if we will live forever to enjoy all this." He took a deep breath and said it all in the same breath. It appeared as if this philosophy had been struggling for a way out from the narrow streets of his heart for some time.
“But brother how does that answer my question?” I asked curiously trying to know more as there was still some time for his radiation.
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“You see everyone here needs security, and not just financial, but also in relationships. See the problem is that even if you’re in a well-built romantic relationship, when it comes to marriage, your apparent life span matters a lot to everyone in a relationship, be it of any gender, no matter how much she loves me or how intelligent she is. What matters the most is the remainder of life left for them to enjoy with me, nothing else matters. I look fine, earn well, people say I am intelligent too, but what should I tell a lady about my life expectancy. And even if I am somehow aware of that, does love last only as long as I am alive? Is it necessary for both couples to die together for a relationship to mark as successful? Why such a perpetual feeling of insecurity?
My marriage with my girlfriend was fixed, but as soon as I was diagnosed with cancer, her family called it off, they didn’t think it was necessary to inform either me or my family of it. They believed that a person suffering from cancer should be banished from marrying anyone (my girlfriend herself told me this).
After some time, when she started talking about starting a life with someone who she felt her future was more secure with, all I could do was protest. Upon my protest, she asked what would you have done if I had cancer? Don't you want a stable & secure life?
I replied - I love you, no matter what happens to you, I will stay with you as long as you or I are alive.
She didn't say anything after this and we finally parted ways.
I understand that without a companion, life becomes very difficult, especially for women, but as long as your love is with you, you should enjoy life irrespective of the time we have. Everybody has to die, but we wish to dodge this truth every moment. We want the timing of death of our companion should be as per our convenience so that our emotional, mental, financial, physical and social security is not adversely affected. But my question is, would someone give their love and commitment for their companion a second thought if their companion gets something like cancer post marriage? If the answer is yes, then unfortunately there would be no greater moral degradation than this, because a person does such a calculation only in commercial dealings, not in love." Saying this, he choked, I gave him some water. Just then the nurse came and took him for radiation.
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After Bala left for his radiation, I realized that I too had experienced whatever he said, but I also knew that if a person's companion gets such a painful disease, it would create a very difficult situation for that person. After all, everyone has their own life which they are entitled to live in their own way they desire to. Just because someone loved you and promised to be with you for the rest of your life, you cannot bind them to this one decision ignoring the life’s practical realities.
However it is not as straightforward as it seems.
People like us also have to take care that we give enough space to our partners to live their life and decide with whom and how they want to spend their life post our diagnosis with a terminal disease because we also are fully aware of our limitations.
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So why don't we all become aware of our limitations and not bind our close ones within our set limits?
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