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Untold Story of Why S*x is a Catalyst for conflicts in Marriage

Over the years of my part time interest in martial issues, particularly s*x and s*xuality as inspired by Mrs Funmi Akingbade's column in the punch then, l have come to the realisation that even though experts have listed s*x as one of the major problems of breakups in marriage, but s*x itself is actually not the problem most of the times, but the ignominious and deceptive attitude of the couples in marriage. Marriage is usually a union of two different adults with different experiences that must find a common front to appreciate and accept their differences with a view to accommodate at some level and compromise at another level for peaceful and satisfactory coexistence without necessarily suppressing each others' fantasies.

Prior to marriage, we are quick to hear list of things that partners have been endeared to and would want assurance for its continuation after marriage. Issues like l dont do shores, we need somebody to do it; I love home cooked meals; l am a foodie; l want to be free to do me; l dont want more than certain number of children or none at all etc; pop up while making compatibility decision. But everyone usually keeps mute about their s*xual experiences and how far they have gone as well as whether the would-be spouse has the capacity to match up. Infact, most times, we pose like saints in this area while we are quick to roll out our preferences in other areas. This becomes worse immediately religion is mentioned. Suddenly, our past journey vanishes and behold all things have become new. Unfortunately experiences and fantasies in core and sensitive area like s*x cannot be hidden for long, because the body has been used to them overtime at different level and the need to occasionally satisfy the urge must surely rear its ugly head again and again. This then becomes the catalyst to s*x being one of the reasons for conflicts, separations and eventual divorce.

My thought here is that s*x is not actually the problem, rather the deceit and attempt to become holy after unholy journey with carcasses of wild experience that still have overbearing impact on our preferences, wants and needs today. Because we have lied that we are a Corporal when we are actually a General, we have to cover up to a degree that we cannot express ourselves in intimacy with our spouse. I had privilege of seeing an illicit video of a banker wife of a man after divorce that was reported in the daily. The boy friend was using the video to blackmail her before it leaked to the husband. While narrating the story, l observed that the most painful part of the video to him was seeing his wife enjoying, rising up to the moment and moaning loudly. He didnt know when he lamented painfully 'can you imagine this pr******te that always do as if my manhood will kill her whenever l attempt to touch her.' Infact he said he had to deliver sermon to prepare the wife everytime, because he had been made to believe that the wife does not enjoy s*x at all. He has been living with lies for about 7 years of marriage, while the wife gets what she want outside. It is not because the man is not capable or the wife did not love him, but because madam had to act the lies she had told him from inception as a religious girl. Abi how do you expect Mrs innocent to suddenly start moaning and moving like a professional?

Ideally, if couple could be truthful to themselves to some extent in this area, may be there can be a satisfying meeting point where nobody is left opened with unmet needs that can easily be taken advantage of by unsuspecting opposite s*x. One thing is obvious, two virgins who marry themselves have no previous parameter to judge their intimacy,; whatever they give each is what is enough. It is usually those with past experience that have gauge to measure their spouse's performance. That's why you hear some men expect their wives to turn 360° for a section he wants and vice versal. When this becomes unbearable, they usually, starts with complaints upon complaints, argument and various degree of conflicts on every little issues that has nothing to do with the real issue. You will hardly understand what is going on when they tell you their stories because the real reason is always buried under the ground. Research has proven that unmet s*xual needs over time or inability to reach or**sm results in anor**smia. That's why in my practice immediately l get that a couple is having issue, l ask about their s*x life first. This is because s*x is synonymous to the engine oil in the vehicle. When it runs dry, the engine must knock outrightly and it will give rise to other faults that are not actually the main problem.

At this point everybody has a role to play. While l acknowledge that there are numerous economic and social challenges confronting the family, but we must make our matrimonial home the shock absorbers to all these numerous daily issues we deal with or else we break faster than expected. I know we are always quick at sanctrimonially dismissing the issue of s*x whenever 8t is mentioned as not being our priority, but same you will engage in a lot of things behind your closed doors that you cannot proudly say outside because this reality is a bastard that knows not his father. No wonder s*x toy biz is booming at unimaginable rate, but nobody has proudly come out to acknowledge having one because hypocritical saints cannot be seen with such. Either by mistake or by design, we have embarked on journey that has taken a toll on our choice and preferences. Unfortunately, this facts cannot be undone as quick as we want it to pave way for our new life, but we must collectively work towards meeting some and putting some in checks gradually. But to achieve this, both new and old marriages must accept the following facts:

- You have to stop expecting your spouse to be a saint when you are not one yourself. Have it at the back of your mind that since your spouse is not a virgin, he/she must have journeyed into life just like you and no amount of religiosity will change the fact that he/she has some experiences with some fantasies. So after marriage, try and bring out these fantasies without judging and try satisfying them to some level. If you dont know how, it can be taught when you visit the right and educative site. And when you know you are no longer a saint, dont sct like one before your spouse. The drama curtain should be dropped when you are with each other to make it easy to be free with each other. There is only one rank for sainthood in marriage, once it's broken, the rank is dropped.

- Dont expect the model used yesteryears to still be practicable today, because the rate of s*xual exploration now is high that it is almost at the top gear for most teenagers today. So, marrying today's chaps means you have to up your games to keep to their pace. And this is not to say that we still dont have few saints among them, bit just take s look around you and make your conclusion.

As a husband, understand that we have a culture that tends to make our ladies hold back a little, even though that's equally changing with many expressing themselves without feeling ashamed. You have the duty to make your spouse comfortable to tell you how they feel or want to be touched without fear of being judged later, as well as the responsibility to try and do your best on their feelings expressed You have failed when she becomes free to express herself to another man other than you.

- Understand that liking s*x is only bad when done outside marriage,from the holy books point of views but its a blessing everytime you do it within marriage. You cannot be a Captain before marriage and then become an inexperienced recruit after marriage. Use the experience gained from your past inequities to amass blessings now that the heaven smiles at you for doing same thing.

- Leave room for a review to regularly know how you guys are faring. Feedback is very important to guide on the little things you need to do to get to your destination. The fact that your spouse is quiet or not complaining may not be an attestation that all is well. Some people can endure pain for sometime till they reach the boiling point. Imagine a muslim woman having to pour water on her hair regularly for s*xual activities she doesn't gain anything from. Its just a matter of time before she reaches the breaking point.

@ Akeem Fagbenro
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