Straight Of Hormooz

Not ours but still pretty good...

Traffic Update: Strait of Hormuz 🚦
​Current Status: Completely out of my mind.

​Look, I love being a "vital global chokepoint" as much as the next body of water, but some of you supertankers seriously need to learn how to parallel park.

​Today's Incidents:
​08:00 AM: Five speedboats playing tag with a 1,000-foot cargo ship. Again. Please go to a playground.

​11:30 AM: Somebody dropped an anchor on my toe.

​02:00 PM: The Suez Canal texted me to brag about how they only got blocked once by one boat. Must be nice, SUEZ. Try having 20 million barrels of crude oil squeezing through your waistline every single day while everyone yells at you.

​04:45 PM: I am officially declaring a "No Wake" zone, but mostly just because I have a headache.

​Current Mood: I am exactly one minor geopolitical dispute away from turning this entire passage into a giant lazy river. Bring an inner tube or go the long way around Africa, I don't even care anymore. 💅🚢🌴

​

The Pentagon today: "It will take at least 6 months to clear the Strait of Hormuz of naval mines."

Me, staring at the pile of laundry on my chair I've been ignoring since last Tuesday: "Amateurs."

​Seriously though, the ceasefire just got extended, but the world's most important shipping lane is basically the highest-stakes game of Windows 95 Minesweeper right now. Six months to clear the water!

By the time my international packages finally make it through the Straight of Hormooz, the electronics inside are going to be considered retro antiques.

​And don't even get me started on the U.S. extending the "naval blockade" until they get a "unified proposal." I’m officially setting up a naval blockade in front of my fridge until my household can submit a unified proposal for what we’re ordering for dinner tonight. 🛑🍕

​

Feeling cute. Might reduce 20% just so prices changes at your local gas pump. 🤩🌎⛽️🛢

Ahhh, back when no one was fighting over me. Good times...good times

Im about 65% sure I'm Closed, but for those who still want passage, it's "surge pricing" till 11 am. Also Alternate Side of The Strait Parking rules are in effect until 1 pm GMT.
No US Ships
The Daily Show Straight Talk

404 Open Water Not Found
Maritime Blockade Route
Between Iran and A Hard Place, 80085
Warning: Driveway is currently closed. And open. Now closed again.