10/09/2026
Announcer: “Welcome to Cough It Up! the quiz show where contestants vie to give the most to our host without getting anything in return.
“Let’s meet tonight’s contestants.
“Our first contestant, from the good old USA, is Elon M., a self-described gazillionaire!”
Elon smiles, waves, and then snaps into a N**i salute to the audience.
“Next, we have Benjamin N., who heads up a small but powerful country.”
Benjamin waves, grins, and mouths Shalom! to the camera.
The announcer extends a hand toward a closed booth. ”And then we have M.J., our Mystery Guest.”
An electronically altered voice from the booth says, “Hellooo!”
“And now,” the announcer continues, “the host who always gets the most: Donald J Trump!”
Trump enters, alternately smiles and frowns at the audience and proceeds to sit on a golden throne. When the raucous applause abates, he addresses the camera.
“Thank you, J.D.” He turns to the audience: “Isn’t he the greatest announcer ever? Like no one’s ever seen before. People always say how smart I am to have him as my announcer.”
The applause swells then dies.
Trump: “Let’s get started. Contestant #1, how much are you gonna cough up?”
Elon M.: “Two percent of all my holdings.”
Trump, scowling: “Two percent, huh? Should be more like 200 percent. How much Is two percent worth?”
Elon: “Two billion, more or less.”
Trump nods, “Not too shabby, but I bet the others can beat it.”
He turns to Contestant #2 “How about you, Benny?” he asks.
Benjamin N: “I’ve got something priceless to offer.”
Trump: “Let’s hear it.”
Benjamin N: “Start any war you want, anywhere you want, and we will join in on your side. You choose the target and the timing.”
Almost breaking into a smile, Trump nods. “And I’ll sell you the hardware to do it. That’s the kind of deal I like!”
Trump turns to the booth: “How about our Mystery Guest? Can you give the host the most?”
“Yup!” came the reply.
“Spell it out!”
“My lifelong dedication, sir. A lifetime of abject servitude. Tell me to run, and I’ll ask, ‘How far?’ Tell me to jump and I’ll ask, ‘How high?’ I will never question anything you tell me. Facts are whatever you say they are. If you say black is white in the morning and then it’s purple in the afternoon, I will not only wholeheartedly agree, I’ll condemn those who do not fall into line and agree with you.”
“Bunch of Commies!” Trump exclaims.
“Exactly!” the Mystery Guest says.
“We’ll be right back after this word from our sponsor,” the announcer interjects.
TV Pitchman: “Have you been searching for a word that rhymes with ‘minority?’ Well, give it up now, since you ain’t gonna find one. And to help you forget that word, we’ve got the tools for you [background music starts playing]. First, we have on sale The Young Neofascist’s Songbook, featuring those campfire songs you remember so well from your youth. Who can forget the stirring sentiment of that perennial favorite, “Always on the Right Side of Life” and the rousing chorus of “Go Back, Go Back, To Wherever the Hell You’re From”? Order yours now and we will throw in a free copy of How to Rid Your Neighborhood of Democrats and Other Vermin, autographed by none other than your Host with the Most, Donald J. Trump!”
Announcer: “And now we come to the crux of the show. Our beloved host will devote his considerable brainpower to choose which guest will cough up the most.”
Trump: “Well, I’ve got a little surprise for you, J.D. This is totally unprecedented. Never been done before. We’re making TV history here.
“I’m declaring a three-way tie! All three of our contestants will cough it up and I get to keep all of it!”
The house band breaks into the show’s theme song, “What’s Yours is Mine, All Mine,” Elon throws handfuls of $100 bills into the air, Benjamin makes swooping motions with his arms and bombing noises, and the door of the Mystery Guest Booth files open. Michael Johnson emerges and kneels before Trump on his golden throne.
Announcer, shaking his head and smiling broadly: “How are we going to top that? Tune in next week when we trim three more guests to see who will Cough It Up!!”
Tommy Walz
