My story began a long time ago when I was a little boy (in my formative years i.e. between 0-7 years old). I don’t know the exact age for reasons which will become clear later on.
My parents separated and divorced when I was young and I grew up with my mum and three brothers, two of whom were older than me.
As a child and throughout my teenage years and well into adulthood, I always remember feeling different from my brothers, like there was something different about me – something missing in me, that wasn’t missing in them.
But I never understood why?
It was a question that in one way or another would haunt me throughout my life.
If you’ve ever had a big question you can’t answer – an almighty itch that you just can’t seem to scratch, I think you’ll know what I’m talking about!
Anyway, as a young man I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. No burning ambition as such (not that I was aware of at least).
But I found myself somehow drawn towards children and I qualified as a social worker.
I specialised in working with children who were abused, neglected, or suffering harm. Which meant that I soon became very used to working in family courts and developed significant skills and expertise within that area.
My first experience at court as a social worker I would describe as a ‘baptism of fire’ It was highly traumatic and bruising, but for some reason it did not derail me from continuing on the path I seemed set on.
Over many years I worked as a Children’s Guardian with CAFCASS, in court proceedings (representing children’s wishes, feelings and best interests at court) and as an Independent Social Worker (an expert commissioned to assess parents’ capacity or ability to parent their child throughout their childhood).
So…before I realised it I had gained over twenty five year’s experience of working as an expert in the family court.
But, I still didn’t have an answer to the question that had bugged me all of my life. Why was I so different from my brothers…after all we had the same parenting had we not???
The answer did not come to me until after my mother had passed away – a revelation that hit me one day out of the blue.
Was it by chance that I had gravitated to work with children and parents?
I think not!
I realise now with the benefit of hindsight that my choice of work had not occurred by chance, instead in some way I had been compelled to do so – a calling, if you like, from my childhood.
You see, I could have lived my entire life failing to piece something hugely significant.
Thank god I didn’t!
But…what was it?
Well, one day I happened to be talking to a friend of mine, who is a Counsellor and our conversation moved on to the topic of trauma and how as children and even as adults we sometimes forget things that are too painful for us to cope with.
It’s how we protect ourselves (especially as children) our subconscious, you see, protects us by hiding our memory of the trauma we experienced from our consciousness.
Like lots of other people, my subconscious had done this for me. It had blocked out my memory of how devastated I had been as a little child when my father had disappeared from my life.
I had only, it seems by chance, found out that trauma had been active in my childhood when my younger brother (some two years my junior) could remember us seeing my dad after the separation, when I could not.
This was clearly a major revelation to me. Could it be that I was drawn to working with children and families because as a young child I too had experienced their same kind of pain?
Even if this was true, it didn’t account for why I was so different from my brothers. Or perhaps it did?
You see what I learnt from both my social work education and my work with children over many years, is that in my formative years, indeed, my first attachment (or you could say my first love) had been to my dad.
Okay, so why was I so different from my brothers and why did it affect me throughout my entire life?
The answer, I realise now, is that I was not so different to my brothers. We were all incredibly lucky to have the mother that we had, for as long as we had her.
It was just that my first attachment, unlike my brothers, was to my dad. That’s why I experienced a level of trauma that impacted so strongly on me.
But what it meant for me and why in a significant way I was different from my brothers was that I did not feel lovable. As a child and later as an adult, how could I be lovable when my first love had abandoned me (at least in my eyes as a child)?
Okay.
Great! Nice story!
You’re probably thinking, but what has that got to do with you?
Well…quite a lot as it happens, but not just for you, but your children also.
I am living proof of the impact of separation on children who are attached to the parent that they no longer see regularly, or at all.
You may also note that the impact on me (although I have not gone into the full story) was throughout my life not just as a young child.
And what I didn’t tell you was how my childhood experience negatively affected all the relationships I had with the opposite s*x and my own children.
Let me ask you a question: Do you think my dad had any understanding or insight into how his leaving impacted on me?
And just to be clear, this is not about blaming him, or my mother as neither of them really understood the long lasting impact it would have on me.
Why would they ?
They were not professionally trained in the area that I later was.
But how this relates to you especially as regards your child/ren is that you and your ex need to be very vigilant about how your children act and feel in the wake of a break up.
If they were very attached to a parent that they are no longer seeing (even if they still see a lot of them but are not living with them) it will be a huge wrench for them.
You can benefit from my painful past experiences.
Incidentally, my experience of family court proceedings is not just based solely on my professional work as an expert in the court.
I went through not only my childhood experience of loss and pain due to my parent’s divorce. But I also had my own private family court case with regard to my child and have since gone on to help a number of close friends with theirs.
My experiences have resulted in me having a considerable amount of empathy for children and the real difficulties both parents (mothers and fathers) have in managing how they show their love and discharge their responsibility for their children following a separation.
You could say I have a calling for this type of work and this is why I do what I do and what qualifies me to be extremely well placed to assist you with your family law matter.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. If you would like to learn more about the support I am able to offer then head over and take a look at www.familycourtcoaching.co.uk which I hope you will find a very useful resource. It’s my new website which I am adding valuable content to on a daily basis.
