RAHI Foundation

This is not child sexual abuse: RAHI Foundation on the Dalai Lama Episode

The past weeks have been challenging and distressing for us, a group of women survivors of in**st and child sexual abuse and the RAHI team, as we have been witnessing and responding to the unfolding controversy around the Dalai Lama video on social media and other platforms. It has swept through our lives like a storm. Journalists, rights activists and the social media the world over are up in arms, convinced this is an instance of child sexual abuse.

We get it. The optics of the video were disturbing to our sensibilities, coming from our own personal histories and cultures. An issue like this is volatile and provokes instant reactions. It has as many layers as it has points of view and emotions. Those who are outraged are coming from a place of child protection and keeping the interest of the child at the centre of the discourse, as it should be.

Our position may invite criticism and even the wrath of many, including those who are our close colleagues in the field and have done tremendous work on the ground to protect children and bring justice to victims. This is a long post, so if you prefer to read the statement in a document version, here is the link - https://tr.ee/uS2Yg5Be2S

As survivors, and as an organisation working on in**st and child sexual abuse for more than 25 years, we believe it is important to pause and assess whether what we have seen is truly child sexual abuse. The anatomy of child sexual abuse has markers - it tends to be insidious, it thrives in silence and secrecy, it is normally pre-meditated and often the child is groomed to be abused. It happens when the abuser finds an opportunity to be alone with the child, and in those instances when it happens in front of others, it is generally far more covert in nature than what is seen in the video, without anyone else knowing what is happening.

In addition to these contextual clues, there are two additional factors to consider: intent and impact. It's important we keep these factors and a more nuanced understanding in mind when we call something child sexual abuse or not. With regards to intent, the abuser is sexual with the child for the explicit purpose of getting sexual pleasure or gratification. We watched the videos in question, and felt that none of the above conditions were present. We were very disturbed by the act and felt it was misplaced, but at no instant did we believe it was sexually motivated. For some of us, it went out of line. Others felt it was so much in character with the way the Dalai Lama is - playful, loving and caring.

This is before we knew anything about the sticking of tongues out as a way of greeting in traditional Tibetan culture. Touching foreheads and noses is still a known way of Tibetan greeting. In a familiar game where after a kiss and feeding the child, the grandparent will exclaim 'Che le sa' which simply means now that I've nothing left to give, you may eat my tongue now. This particular playful tradition is apparently very common in the Amdo region in Tibet where the Dalai Lama is from. A Tibetan educator working in the prevention of child sexual abuse in Dharamshala mentioned in her comment that the word 'suck' in the Tibetan language is 'jhip' and it's not a sexualised word in their culture.

We understand that cultural arguments have limitations. With questions of consent, and where there is a child involved, it can raise hackles.

Let us turn to impact to better understand the situation. An important element of the child sexual abuse experience is the feelings of the child and the meaning the child gives to the experience. There could be shame, confusion, humiliation, fear, helplessness, anger, sexual pleasure and so on. None of this was visibly present when we saw the unedited video and boy's interview which occurred immediately after the event. The child seemed hesitant, as many children do when adults in our own cultures hug or kiss them without their permission.

We acknowledge that this is a tricky area on two fronts. First, we understand that there are changing notions of bodily autonomy for children, and that children should be able to choose when they are hugged and kissed. We also know that children do not always show signs of abuse and can appear to be perfectly happy outwardly, as many of us did. Also what the child may feel now may not be the same as what he feels many years later. Whether feelings will come from the event itself or from the widely-publicised implications from others, this we will not know. In fact so far we know nothing about any adverse impact on the boy and the family, or that it was anything other than “a really great experience”, as the boy said in a post-event interview. The assumption being made is that it would be traumatic, based on the premise that this is sexual abuse. It is understandable that the mother and the boy have, since the media maelstrom, remained silent. This must be an incredibly trying time for them to be in the spotlight of such a contentious issue.

Here is where we must look to the Dalai Lama himself. As far as we know, there have never been any such accusations about him before. It seems that if such a thing had happened earlier, and in an era in which we are able to more easily break silence about sexual abuse, chances are we would have heard of it by now. That does not mean such accusations could not still come out. We can only comment based on the evidence before us at the moment. If disclosures were to come out now or in the future, clearly we would need to revise our view.

Regardless of whether we call this sexual abuse or not, damage has been done. On one hand is the distress of the Tibetan community and we stand with them. Some of us are closely associated with it and have seen their anguish at the Dalai Lama being vilified upfront. Several protests against cultural ignorance and hate spreading of the Dalai Lama by the media have already broken out in Dharamshala, Ladakh, Tawang in Arunachal Pradesh, Darjeeling and Gangtok.

On the other hand, there is the distress amongst us, the survivor community, and we strongly stand in solidarity with each other. Some of us have been triggered. There are those who have spent sleepless nights, some have required extra therapeutic support to process this, some don’t even want to think about it and are keeping away, some feel it is sexual abuse, some don't. For all, there are strong emotions such as bewilderment, disillusionment, confusion, loss of faith, anger and sense of betrayal, amongst others. And we are holding space for everybody.

We are also aware that what is getting activated in us with this incident is our own experience of abuse in the past, and that belongs to us. It does not necessarily mean that what we saw is abuse, just that it reminded us of ours. This is not meant to in any way pathologise the reaction of survivors who are triggered by this event. It is simply an invitation to hold the complexity of the moment, balancing the insight we have gained from our lived experiences with other forms of wisdom and discernment.

It’s a fine line we tread, honouring each one’s process while trying to keep the larger perspective. We would like to extend our love and support to both communities. Where healing is needed, may it happen for all.

The RAHI team and other survivors from our community

(as the matter felt time sensitive, this statement has been vetted by several, but not all of the survivors we work with, and therefore does not claim to represent all)

April 22, 2023

Web: www.rahifoundation.org I Mail: [email protected]

RAHI Foundation on the Dalai Lama Episode.pdf

TW: in**st/child sexual abuse

Coming up tomorrow, June 19th. Four women speak out on Fathers' Day. Listen to their stories. Watch this space for more. Brace for impact.

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