10/16/2026
Greetings, My Fellow Citizens!
I come to you to bid thee a most glorious Friday afternoon!
That a big fat lie. It’s cold and the hawk is out.
What a week!
First off, these detours are getting serious. I think they detoured the railroad because I could have sworn I saw a caboose going through a construction zone. Either that or I need to lay off the Ovaltine a smidge
Speaking of serious...
The SWSMT is seriously over these election commercials. And the worst part? It's only going to get worse.
Hold on a sec...
My favorite'ist attorney's eye just started twitching at the mere mention of the "E" word... Apparently, we can't talk about elections.
Fine.
But seriously, can we please go back to the commercials about "Have you or a loved one been injured...?"
I know every single one of us has those phone numbers permanently burned into our cerebral cortex.
I can't remember what I watched on television last night, but by golly, I know exactly who to call if I spill my $8 coffee in my lap at the drive-thru.
These political commercials have gotten so bad that I've resorted to watching nothing but cartoons and the shopping channels. Now I own a set of hearing aids, a saddle blanket, and not one, but two tire gauges. Don't judge me. The second tire gauge was 50% off.
That's called fiscal responsibility, people.
And I’m telling ya, when I finally have my last official visit with Human Resources, I'm going to run for public office.
And my campaign commercials? Nothing but puppies and kittens for sixty glorious seconds.
No talking. No text. No promises. No platforms. No accusations.
Just puppies. And kittens. Maybe a duckling if the campaign contributions are looking good.
Think about how much money we could save!
Hold on again...
"Favorite'ist attorney? You okay over there? You're looking a little peaked."
Speaking of money...
This week, I took a call from a very nice lady who was trying to convince her mother-in-law to come on over to the wonderful world of Shawnee County Solid Waste.
She mentioned what MIL was currently paying for trash service.
Folks.
Sit down.
Ninety dollars a month
For trash service!
Ninety bucks!
Come on, man!
I don't care what anybody says. Nobody should be paying $90 a month for a wheelie bin full of yesterday's stuff.
For that kind of money, the trash truck better arrive with a marching band, a red carpet, and a thank you card.
Now, if you've got that kind of walking-around money, shoot me a message. I've got some exciting sponsorship opportunities I'd like to discuss.
Dang it. Hold on again...
I think my favorite'ist attorney done had one of them there cerebrovascular accidents.
BRB...
Okie dokie, Well, we’re sitting upright again and blinking, so I'm calling that progress.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes.
Ninety dollars. Friends don't let friends pay $90 a month for trash service.
Nor $80.
Nor $60.
And if you're paying $30, well, you might want to give us a holler and see what we can do for ya!
So, if you or a loved one has been a victim of unnecessarily high trash rates, you may be entitled to...
a more reasonable trash bill! Call today! Operators are standing by!
Sunday! Sunday! SUNDAY!
Wait. Wrong commercial.
Now, not to prolong things and keep you from your weekend, but were you aware that way back in the day, the department considered a marketing campaign that never got approved? 🤔
We had a catchy little jingle and everything.
🎶 "If you bought a new house and you need trash now, Give us a call at 877-TRASH-NOW!" 🎶
Apparently, the advertising agency eventually sold it to somebody dealing with structured settlements.🥴
So remember, if you need trash service, call us at 785-233-4774, or use that fancy-schmancy signup form right there on our World Wide Web page. We'll get you taken care of.
Anywhoz, It's Friday. And according to breaking news, a rooster has landed on a dumpster lid somewhere in the city and now requires removal. I have no additional information. Nor do I intend to investigate.
So, as we prepare to sail into the weekend with this absolutely abhorrable weather, we present to you this week's...
Weekend Safety Brief!
The 3Ds
👉Don’t drink and drive
👉Don’t do stupid
👉Don't even think about ignoring the signs of a stroke. Yes, the SWSMT made light of the situation earlier, but this part is no joke. A stroke is a medical emergency. Know the warning signs.
Remember B.E. F.A.S.T. - Balance, Eyes, Face, Arms, Speech, Time.
If you suspect someone is having a stroke, call 911 immediately.
Because the last time I checked, the Father Time waits for no one. So please, take care of yourselves and each other.
And with that,
Have a GREAT weekend!
Be safe!
Be a genuine human!
Is THE detour gone? If so, please stand by for your regularly scheduled replacement detour.
PS - I see you. Keep going. Dang it. 🥰
PPS - If, after this weekend, you discover that you or your little nuggets have outgrown your coats, remember the KTWU Mr. Rogers Sweater Drive! See the attached flyer.
PPPS - You know why my generation is so angry? Because that stupid little mouse always got away. Every single time. That poor Tom never stood a chance.
PPPPS – Speaking of mice, an entire generation missed out on the marvelous marketing genius that was the Spongmonkeys of 2004. (It's safe to Google. Although your coworkers will definitely question your mental stability.) WE LOVE THE SUBS!
PPPPPS – One of my bucket list items has always been riding in a caboose. I'd throw good money at somebody for the opportunity to sit in the back of a train, wave at strangers, and pretend I have important railroad business.
PPPPPPS – Apparently, bad lettuce was NOT the cause of the digestive and intestinal distress. I have questions. I do not want answers. 🤐
PPPPPPPS – Love ya, Byeeeee! 😘