10/31/2026
🎃 GOOD MORNING, LOWELL. LET’S MAKE SOME DECISIONS WE DON’T HAVE TO RESPOND TO. 🚒
We’re hitting your news feed this morning because Halloween is TOMORROW, and we already know that for a concerning number of people, the childcare plan is “costume, candy bucket, best of luck.”
A plastic pumpkin has zero childcare certifications.
Before you release the neighborhood’s seasonal candy acquisition team, please review the following:
👀 PARENTING IS STILL ON THE SCHEDULE.
Young children need a responsible adult walking with them. Older kids going with friends need an agreed route, check-ins, and a return time. “He’s somewhere dressed as Spider-Man” is a spectacularly useless location update.
🔦 MAKE YOUR LITTLE NINJA VISIBLE.
That all-black costume is very convincing. Congratulations. Now drivers need to see it. Add reflective tape to costumes and bags, and bring flashlights or glow sticks. Your child’s commitment to the character should include surviving the commute between candy stops.
🚶 THE SIDEWALK IS FREE. PLEASE ENJOY IT.
Walk, use sidewalks, and cross at corners or crosswalks after checking every direction for traffic. Keep looking as you cross. No darting between parked cars. No sidewalk? Walk facing traffic, as far from vehicles as possible. That full-size Snickers will survive another 12 seconds without you.
🦸 GIVE THE COSTUME A FUNCTIONALITY TEST.
Can they see? Can they walk without stepping on the outfit? Are the shoes suitable for an actual foot? Keep masks from blocking vision and hems from dragging. A face-first inspection of somebody’s driveway is a terrible way to debut a princess costume.
🕯️ YOUR PUMPKIN CAN FULFILL ITS DESTINY WITH A BATTERY.
Use battery-operated candles in jack-o’-lanterns. Keep costumes and decorations away from flames and heat sources, and keep exits clear. The skeleton on your porch has already committed to the aesthetic. You can put the fire away.
🚗 DRIVERS: THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS CRAWLING WITH PEOPLE WHO STILL NEED REMINDERS TO PUT ON PANTS.
Slow down. Put the phone away. Watch for children around parked cars, intersections, and driveways, especially when backing up. Expect sudden movements and questionable judgment. Drive sober, and arrange a sober ride before drinking. Your group chat can wait.
🍬 INSPECT THE LOOT BEFORE THE GOBLINS INHALE IT.
Have an adult check treats at home before anyone digs in. Toss unwrapped candy or treats with damaged packaging. Check ingredient labels for allergens, and remove choking hazards such as hard candy, gum, and small toys for young children. Declaring every peanut butter cup “confiscated for testing” remains a dispute for your household’s legal department.
🏡 HOMEOWNERS: PLEASE RETIRE THE OBSTACLE COURSE.
Turn on outside lights, clear cords, hoses, clutter, and slippery leaves from walkways and steps, and secure pets. We understand that your dog is “just excited.” So is the tiny dinosaur approaching your porch. This meeting needs adult management.
🚪 KEEP THE CANDY TRANSACTION ON THE PORCH.
Visit homes with their porch lights on, stay with your group, and never enter a home or vehicle for candy. Even the full-size bars do not require a backstage tour.
Have fun, look out for each other, and let the decorations do the terrifying.
If there’s an emergency, call 911. We’re always here when you need us.
— Lowell Fire Department 🚒🎃
